Lonely, But Not Alone: How We Can Better Serve Each Other in the Church

By Karol Allen

Several years ago, I read a newspaper article that put a face on what is now called the loneliness epidemic. It was the story of a woman realtor who spent hours alone traveling to and from properties and waiting in vacant houses for prospective buyers to show up. As I remember, the woman was near retirement age and she was painfully lonely.  Her daughter was worried about her. After reading her story, I was, too. I decided to keep the article for a while, thinking there must be some reason it made such an impression. But after a few years of not knowing what to do with it, I finally recycled it with some other writing ideas that had grown stale. Even so, I still remember the lonely realtor, not because I’m a realtor or know what it means to be a realtor, but I do know what it feels like to be lonely. 

When Mark and I were married over 45 years ago, I left my close-knit family to join him in Minnesota. I loved my in-laws, but they couldn’t replace my own mom and dad. For many years, I cried every time we said good-bye after summer visits. The college friends I had were now dispersed across the country, and the new friends I made were workmates who had little time for relationships outside of work. Kids had not yet arrived, and we hadn’t joined a church. I was lonely.

“Loneliness is a form of relational suffering. It’s the feeling you’re not known and loved in a satisfying way,” said Bob Martin IV in his post for The Gospel Coalition, “The Christian Cure for Loneliness Isn’t Just More Friends.” Even pop culture knows this is true. As Roy Orbison sang in 1961, “Only the lonely know the way I feel tonight; only the lonely know this feeling ain’t right.”  Nope. It “ain’t right.”   But in our fallen world, loneliness is becoming more prevalent by the day.

Early in 2024, an American Psychiatric Association (APA) poll reported that 30% of adults experienced feelings of loneliness at least once a week over the past year and 10% said they are lonely every day.  In 2025, the APA poll found 50% to over 60% of adults experience loneliness, and feeling lonely affects roughly 44 to 52 million. So, we have a growing problem, and the church isn’t immune. A Barna Group study in the early 2020s said Christians didn’t fare much better than non-Christians.

While I don’t think the church is the perfect cure for the lonely, because the church isn’t perfect, I did find my community in the church. Yet, I know this isn’t the case for everyone. Over the years, I’ve heard many stories of people who don’t have good friends in the church. They feel alone. They feel invisible. They feel like an outsider.  It appears what sometimes passes for a “friendly” or “welcoming” church doesn’t always translate to building relationships.

Judging by the articles I’ve read, it seems the burden falls primarily on the lonely person to fix the problem. I confess, I’ve offered many pat solutions to people suffering from loneliness: attend a Bible study, join a community group, serve on a team, participate in church events, go on a men’s or women’s retreat, pray, be consistent in your church attendance. I’ve even suggested, “Jesus can be that friend.”  These ideas have merit, but I think each of us needs to challenge ourselves to take another step and look at the part we can play.  Doubtless we’ve all struggled with loneliness at one time or another and might again. Psalm 68:6, says, “God sets the lonely in families.” He provides His fatherly care through the family of the church.

Connection is just the beginning

I was reminded in our study of 1 Corinthians 12 this spring that the body of Christ is a living organism with members who belong to one another. Each one important and indispensable.  Paul said in verse 24b, “God has so composed the body, giving honor to the part that lacked it, that there may be no division in the body, but that the members may have the same care for one another. If one member suffers, all suffer together; if one member is honored, all rejoice together.”  

We use the term “connecting” a lot in our society, even in the church. That can mean a text, a Facebook discussion, or a one-and-done social event. But the body of Christ is not like a structure of Legos with cold, hard connections that can easily be ripped apart or reimagined. Connection may be the first step, but it’s just the beginning.  Paul uses the word, “belong” to further this idea. What does it mean to belong to one another?  Think attachment, permanence, and depth.  In belonging to one another, there is commitment, investment, and obligation. When I think about my priorities, it sometimes shocks me how selfish they are given I know how it feels to need a friend who “gets me,” and how exciting it can be to get to know someone new and share life with them.

We can do better

So, consider with me just a few opportunities we have at church to minister to one another and what that might look like:

Community group or another small group

Invite someone for coffee or a meal outside of the larger group to get to know them better. Do you enjoy a favorite activity?  Ask them to participate. 

Worship service

Notice.  Notice those standing to the side or trying to look like they have someone to talk to. Invite people to join you if they are sitting alone.  Be interruptible. Open your circle of friends and invite people in.  I’ve heard people say that it was hard to make friends at church because others made it clear they already had all the friends they needed. Ouch!  Don’t presume.  Don’t presume that because someone doesn’t look like you or is from a different demographic, marital status, or background you can’t approach them or build a friendship. Approach them anyway.  

Bible study

Perhaps there’s a passage you’d love to continue discussing after class, but you ran out of time. Could you ask a couple of people in your group to explore it with you while your children enjoy a play date with each other?  Or maybe you learn that someone has a particular interest or hobby that you know nothing about. Say, woodworking, gardening, or photography.  Why not ask them to share it with you?  

Before we go that next step

I’ve had the best of intentions in ministering to people in the past, or so I thought, but I’ve learned that no one wants to feel like a project. No one wants to feel that your invitation is because you know you should as a Christian and not because you really want to get to know them. The sufferer will see through that in a heartbeat. It takes humility to receive help, but it also takes humility to give it. So, examine your own heart before you reach out, and if your motivations aren’t right, ask God to change your heart. We can do better in the church in these areas of belonging to one another. I know I can. Because we are sinners, the complete cure for loneliness won’t happen this side of heaven. But in God’s grace, we can take one more step.